wrote down (and still do) all of the things that made my gut uneasy in my relationships with my in-laws. I didn’t know what I was looking for. I didn’t have a label for most of it outside of “crossing boundaries”. But it was through writing it down that I started to see patterns of behavior. The gut instinct thing is very real when it comes to coercive control, which can be oh-so-subtle. Like a dog whistle.
I have communicated my boundaries around my daughter’s right to bodily autonomy multiple times to my father-in-law but one particular occasion it was done directly, in front of his wife and my husband. He looked at me and said, well it’s good to know where your sensitive areas are. I looked straight back at him and I could tell he was filing it away.
Sure enough about 2.5 months later, when I restated the boundary to the whole family he used it as an opportunity to put my daughter’s right to bodily autonomy up further debate and make it about his feelings and his authority, as well as how amazing he was as a parent.
My husband and I disagree on the level of intent behind his family’s behaviors. But to me, what matters most is impact. If I am seething with gut twisting anger because you are once again putting my daughter’s right to bodily autonomy up for debate (in front of the whole family, no less), I don’t really care if you are coming from “a place of concern” and simply a terrible communicator or if you are deliberately taking a boundary I have set over and over again with you and twisting it back on me to get a rise out of me and punish me. The impact your behavior has on me is maddening and exhausting. And that’s what matters.
I think you are pointing out something very subtle and very important in your article. This kind of manipulation is, in many ways, impossible to “prove”. And I have seen it play out both personally and professionally. It’s real, and it needs to be named and talked about. Thank you!!
Considering that even our own shadow deceives us often, it's so difficult to measure intent and cause and effect. But usually our gut tells us a lot.
Sounds like you're in a difficult situation, but the fact that you're able to stand up for yourself and your daughter is wonderful. And you are right, the end behaviour itself is what we need to deal with. Setting boundaries, and communicating what hurt you. It doesn't matter the intent. But it's helpful to know that it may run deeper. A paradigm shift which can help us make better sense of the madness.
Every single word of this article resonated with me. Thank you, JH Simon, for this fantastic article, your incredible insight.
wrote down (and still do) all of the things that made my gut uneasy in my relationships with my in-laws. I didn’t know what I was looking for. I didn’t have a label for most of it outside of “crossing boundaries”. But it was through writing it down that I started to see patterns of behavior. The gut instinct thing is very real when it comes to coercive control, which can be oh-so-subtle. Like a dog whistle.
I have communicated my boundaries around my daughter’s right to bodily autonomy multiple times to my father-in-law but one particular occasion it was done directly, in front of his wife and my husband. He looked at me and said, well it’s good to know where your sensitive areas are. I looked straight back at him and I could tell he was filing it away.
Sure enough about 2.5 months later, when I restated the boundary to the whole family he used it as an opportunity to put my daughter’s right to bodily autonomy up further debate and make it about his feelings and his authority, as well as how amazing he was as a parent.
My husband and I disagree on the level of intent behind his family’s behaviors. But to me, what matters most is impact. If I am seething with gut twisting anger because you are once again putting my daughter’s right to bodily autonomy up for debate (in front of the whole family, no less), I don’t really care if you are coming from “a place of concern” and simply a terrible communicator or if you are deliberately taking a boundary I have set over and over again with you and twisting it back on me to get a rise out of me and punish me. The impact your behavior has on me is maddening and exhausting. And that’s what matters.
I think you are pointing out something very subtle and very important in your article. This kind of manipulation is, in many ways, impossible to “prove”. And I have seen it play out both personally and professionally. It’s real, and it needs to be named and talked about. Thank you!!
Considering that even our own shadow deceives us often, it's so difficult to measure intent and cause and effect. But usually our gut tells us a lot.
Sounds like you're in a difficult situation, but the fact that you're able to stand up for yourself and your daughter is wonderful. And you are right, the end behaviour itself is what we need to deal with. Setting boundaries, and communicating what hurt you. It doesn't matter the intent. But it's helpful to know that it may run deeper. A paradigm shift which can help us make better sense of the madness.