The Covert World Of Narcissistic Justice
How Narcissists Secretly Get Even With You
Over and again, for weeks, I have come back to this article to write it. Yet each time I clicked away, plagued by doubt and unease. How do I write about something when I cannot connect cause and effect?
The only tangible proof is the pain you feel, which you label as ‘narcissistic abuse’. Yet what if I told you that something deeper might lie behind these attacks? What if it was revenge for something you did days, weeks or even months before?
Proving the existence of this covert ‘black book’ is like proving the existence of the devil. I usually only write about something if I have witnessed it in myself, or had it confirmed by another person. In this case, none of that has happened. Therefore, I offer full disclosure now: I have no proof for this. I am only going by my gut feeling.
A World Of Resentment And Retribution
Narcissists carry immense rage and envy.
The rage comes from having their soul emptied by an emotionally-dead parent, before that parent moulded the narcissist in the image of their own desire. Robbed of their humanity and forced to become an actor in a grandiose show, the narcissist ends up seething with repressed fury.
The envy comes from witnessing other people living authentically through their True Self, somewhat plagued by their weaknesses yet filled with a sense of meaning and purpose. The narcissist lacks all of this, and they remain on a hairline trigger of envy.
As a result, the narcissist is always looking for slights. Perhaps you might have said something hurtful to them. Yet often it is not what you said or did, but who you are.
Your authentic Self contains your joy, your delight and your unbridled spontaneous energy. The narcissist wants all of this from you as narcissistic supply to fill their emptiness. As long as you provide it without exception, they will be appeased — at least in the beginning of the relationship.
Sometimes you might simply not feel up to it, so you set a boundary. Other times you might be too exhausted, or something in your gut is telling you no.
Oftentimes you are giving everything, but it is not enough for the narcissist. Just like any addict, the narcissist will need more of their drug of choice just to feel ok. And like any addiction, there comes a time when your narcissistic supply is not enough, especially during times of stress.
The Seething Jury
Narcissists dissociate. A lot. This is especially prevalent if they are triggered. When you piss them off with your authenticity, boundaries or even with your attitude, they ‘check out’ from the present moment and disappear. It may take them a few moments or perhaps days to return fully.
I have no idea where they go during this time. Yet what remains is the fury which you have triggered in them. The narcissist may fume for a while, pendulating between presence and dissociation. You might catch them staring into space with narrowed eyes, ruminating on something mysterious. That is perhaps the best signal or proof I have seen.
Furthermore, narcissists need to remain superior and maintain the higher ground. Under no circumstances can they seem petty. So they will hold their tongue, and plot until the time is ripe.
I suspect that the ‘ruminating phase’ is where they drift into psychopathic and malignant territory. They may plot your punishment through the psychopath state, but then dissociate before they realise what is going on.
Or if they are truly malignant, they will know exactly what they are doing.
Teaching You A Lesson
While the narcissist seethes and ruminates on when and how your punishment should come, you have moved on. It has been days since that awkward moment, where you barely noticed their sudden silence.
The retribution often comes when you are feeling relaxed and playful, comfortable in a vulnerable and receptive state. As you attempt to connect with the narcissist, their envy of your happiness spikes, and they sense your defencelessness.
They strike.
A biting comment may come, touching on something you are most insecure about. Or perhaps they grow gradually more combative while you try to have a relaxed conversation with them. They may suddenly do something you previously told them you did not like. Whatever it is, it a) comes when you least expect it, while b) hitting you where you are most vulnerable.
If they do it correctly, the narcissist will have you reeling for hours or perhaps days. Shame floods you, pain explodes from your chest, and confusion grips you. You have no idea what happened, let alone that it was premeditated, having been in the pipeline for days or weeks.
This is my concept of the narcissist’s covert justice. I have no proof of it, but I felt a powerful urge to share it. My guess is that if this has happened to you, it was more than mere narcissism, but the awakening of a psychopathic state, which many narcissists and even borderlines possess.
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Every single word of this article resonated with me. Thank you, JH Simon, for this fantastic article, your incredible insight.
wrote down (and still do) all of the things that made my gut uneasy in my relationships with my in-laws. I didn’t know what I was looking for. I didn’t have a label for most of it outside of “crossing boundaries”. But it was through writing it down that I started to see patterns of behavior. The gut instinct thing is very real when it comes to coercive control, which can be oh-so-subtle. Like a dog whistle.
I have communicated my boundaries around my daughter’s right to bodily autonomy multiple times to my father-in-law but one particular occasion it was done directly, in front of his wife and my husband. He looked at me and said, well it’s good to know where your sensitive areas are. I looked straight back at him and I could tell he was filing it away.
Sure enough about 2.5 months later, when I restated the boundary to the whole family he used it as an opportunity to put my daughter’s right to bodily autonomy up further debate and make it about his feelings and his authority, as well as how amazing he was as a parent.
My husband and I disagree on the level of intent behind his family’s behaviors. But to me, what matters most is impact. If I am seething with gut twisting anger because you are once again putting my daughter’s right to bodily autonomy up for debate (in front of the whole family, no less), I don’t really care if you are coming from “a place of concern” and simply a terrible communicator or if you are deliberately taking a boundary I have set over and over again with you and twisting it back on me to get a rise out of me and punish me. The impact your behavior has on me is maddening and exhausting. And that’s what matters.
I think you are pointing out something very subtle and very important in your article. This kind of manipulation is, in many ways, impossible to “prove”. And I have seen it play out both personally and professionally. It’s real, and it needs to be named and talked about. Thank you!!