My husband comes from a narcissistic family. I was the first person int he family to set boundaries with my father-in-law, to say no, to show up as an individual with my own needs and rights. For this great sin, I was given the role of the scapegoat in the family. It has taken quite a bit of couples therapy and time for my husband to start to come to terms with his family dynamics. I say start because my husband continues to repeat the exact words, with the same facial expressions, that you describe in your post. I do my best to allow him his subjective version of reality and listen with empathy, because I know he did not have that growing up, and if I force my opinions on him I am just repeating the wounding he suffered. And, it's so hard to trust his subjective version of reality when it comes to his family, because there is such a history of denial and dissociation.
It's fascinating, as I hadn't considered it from the in-law perspective. Typically you are encouraged to be a 'good' daughter-or-son in-law and let things slide, or the 'difficult' mother-in-law trope is brought up and the whole thing brushed aside as 'it is what it is'.
Good on you for setting your boundaries, even when it creates added conflict in your marriage. Humans need to go through their own awakening. All we can do is 'expose' them to new ways of seeing their reality, and then wait. The light bulb moment has to come from them. That might take months, years or never happen.
Sometimes it's just stubbornness, other times the pain beneath the denial is too great. So many people have a chance awakening, like the finger of God touched them or something. But that is rare, in my experience.
In any case, kudos to you for taking on this issue. I know it's not easy.
Thank you.The in-law perspective is exactly what I write about. Write what you know.
And you describe the struggle much more poetically than I do. I consider it remarkable that my husband has had the courage to face what he has about his family so far. None of this has been easy for him either.
I agree that women especially are conditioned to be good daughters-in-law, and there is so much trauma that gets kicked down in the whole mother-in-law/daughter-in-law dynamic. I’m currently doing a deep dive into the history of in-law relationships and there is exactly one article that has been published in peer reviewed social work journals on the topic. There are other journals of course but it’s sort of astonishing that a family relationship that is historically so fraught with tension and misunderstanding has had so little research.
Of particular interest to me is the ways in which the narcissistic abuse tends to ramp up when you bring a child into the mix. I see this over and over again in my clinical work and anecdotally.
Daughters-in-law need all the support they can get. I've seen some horrific examples with narcissistic mother-in-laws, and that trauma is passed down not only to the woman, but her children as well. So supporting women in this regard can reduce suffering for entire generations. Beautiful and meaningful work, if you ask me.
If you have any ideas you want to bounce or there's any way I can help, feel free to reach out at anytime. Thanks for your support.
I called it, tap dancing through a mine field, oh and remember to smile while you dance.
Oh God, that put a dark smile on my face. Perfectly described.
When you’ve lived it you can authentically describe it.
My husband comes from a narcissistic family. I was the first person int he family to set boundaries with my father-in-law, to say no, to show up as an individual with my own needs and rights. For this great sin, I was given the role of the scapegoat in the family. It has taken quite a bit of couples therapy and time for my husband to start to come to terms with his family dynamics. I say start because my husband continues to repeat the exact words, with the same facial expressions, that you describe in your post. I do my best to allow him his subjective version of reality and listen with empathy, because I know he did not have that growing up, and if I force my opinions on him I am just repeating the wounding he suffered. And, it's so hard to trust his subjective version of reality when it comes to his family, because there is such a history of denial and dissociation.
Thanks for sharing this, Claire.
It's fascinating, as I hadn't considered it from the in-law perspective. Typically you are encouraged to be a 'good' daughter-or-son in-law and let things slide, or the 'difficult' mother-in-law trope is brought up and the whole thing brushed aside as 'it is what it is'.
Good on you for setting your boundaries, even when it creates added conflict in your marriage. Humans need to go through their own awakening. All we can do is 'expose' them to new ways of seeing their reality, and then wait. The light bulb moment has to come from them. That might take months, years or never happen.
Sometimes it's just stubbornness, other times the pain beneath the denial is too great. So many people have a chance awakening, like the finger of God touched them or something. But that is rare, in my experience.
In any case, kudos to you for taking on this issue. I know it's not easy.
Thank you.The in-law perspective is exactly what I write about. Write what you know.
And you describe the struggle much more poetically than I do. I consider it remarkable that my husband has had the courage to face what he has about his family so far. None of this has been easy for him either.
I agree that women especially are conditioned to be good daughters-in-law, and there is so much trauma that gets kicked down in the whole mother-in-law/daughter-in-law dynamic. I’m currently doing a deep dive into the history of in-law relationships and there is exactly one article that has been published in peer reviewed social work journals on the topic. There are other journals of course but it’s sort of astonishing that a family relationship that is historically so fraught with tension and misunderstanding has had so little research.
Of particular interest to me is the ways in which the narcissistic abuse tends to ramp up when you bring a child into the mix. I see this over and over again in my clinical work and anecdotally.
Daughters-in-law need all the support they can get. I've seen some horrific examples with narcissistic mother-in-laws, and that trauma is passed down not only to the woman, but her children as well. So supporting women in this regard can reduce suffering for entire generations. Beautiful and meaningful work, if you ask me.
If you have any ideas you want to bounce or there's any way I can help, feel free to reach out at anytime. Thanks for your support.
Thank you. I appreciate your support, and the invitation to exchange ideas. That would be helpful indeed.
I wish information like yours was available "back in my day" - would have saved me from blaming myself for being born! Thanks for your writing!