"Uniqueness, spontaneity and agency hold no value in a narcissistic family. Instead, everyone is reduced solely to a role that serves the narcissistic parent’s grandiose false self."
Ain't that the truth. When I cut contact with my parents-in-law I told them having a relationship with them was like watering a fake plant. A. unkind thing to say, but summer dup my experience of them nicely.
"The spouse acts as a central pillar to legitimise the narcissist’s grandiosity. The spouse also stands in as an emotional sponge which protects the narcissist from having to be vulnerable with the children. The spouse generally puts out fires and plays the peacekeeper in the home."
Do you think it is possible for he spouse to take on some of the narcissistic parent's tendencies? Or perhaps the only people who can stay with a narcissist are equally emotionally immature and so they utilize the same dysfunctional skills sets for trying to get their needs met and maintain control.
I have never ready such an eloquent and thoughtful description of the lost child before today. Nor had I heard of the divine child. Thank you for sharing this JH! It makes so much sense.
I'm so glad you mentioned the spouse. I was actually thinking about it while writing the article, but didn't want to stray too far from the main topic. I might do a separate article on the spouse.
I mentioned that the family can have two narcissists, and this was my attempt at paving the way for precisely what you said. The spouse seems to 'share in the spoils', and is an accessory to the abuse at best, or an active participant at worst.
I've often clumped the spouse with the children, but I feel like this isn't fully accurate. I guess if you stay with a narcissist for decades, you've found a way to cope, and dare I say, have achieved this through also controlling and manipulating the children to ensure mental balance.
Would love to hear your own thoughts on the matter.
Let me reflect on that. I think both can be true - that they are lumped in with the children and that part of their coping mechanism is to also control and manipulate their children or be an accessory to it.
Or, they are also incredibly emotionally immature, and it’s a good fit. I do think a spouse who stays with a partner who has a pattern of narcissistic abuse is enabling it - whether they mean to or not. And they are driven to keep the family together at all costs - particularly if they are women. Maintaining Kinship roles has historically been the province of women, and part of “being a good woman”, along with standing by your husband. Also, if you are staying with a true narcissist, you are subjecting yourself to a serious amount of gaslighting and invalidation. I don’t know how you hold onto yourself in that situation. You become a shell of your former self. So whatever you do, whatever you believe is bound to change with whatever the narcissist in your life tells you. It’s bleak.
I've seen plenty of marriages hold together with the spouse having to sacrifice a part of their soul. Shaming, abuse and overt control are rife. I used to feel pity for the spouse, but slowly I've come to realise that they have co-created this dynamic.
Also, a lot of their manipulation is covert. They press the narcissist's buttons to provoke reactive abuse, then play the victim. Or they simply give up all sense of self and allow themselves to be 'remote controlled' by the narcissist, simply doing whatever is asked of them.
Yes, absolutely they co-create the dynamic. And it’s way easier to play the victim in that scenario. That way anything bad that happens is never your fault. And it is covert.
Also if you have not checked out Rebecca Mandeville’s work on Family Scapegoating Abuse, you might find it helpful and interesting. https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com
"Uniqueness, spontaneity and agency hold no value in a narcissistic family. Instead, everyone is reduced solely to a role that serves the narcissistic parent’s grandiose false self."
Ain't that the truth. When I cut contact with my parents-in-law I told them having a relationship with them was like watering a fake plant. A. unkind thing to say, but summer dup my experience of them nicely.
"The spouse acts as a central pillar to legitimise the narcissist’s grandiosity. The spouse also stands in as an emotional sponge which protects the narcissist from having to be vulnerable with the children. The spouse generally puts out fires and plays the peacekeeper in the home."
Do you think it is possible for he spouse to take on some of the narcissistic parent's tendencies? Or perhaps the only people who can stay with a narcissist are equally emotionally immature and so they utilize the same dysfunctional skills sets for trying to get their needs met and maintain control.
I have never ready such an eloquent and thoughtful description of the lost child before today. Nor had I heard of the divine child. Thank you for sharing this JH! It makes so much sense.
Thanks for your feedback and kind words, Claire.
I'm so glad you mentioned the spouse. I was actually thinking about it while writing the article, but didn't want to stray too far from the main topic. I might do a separate article on the spouse.
I mentioned that the family can have two narcissists, and this was my attempt at paving the way for precisely what you said. The spouse seems to 'share in the spoils', and is an accessory to the abuse at best, or an active participant at worst.
I've often clumped the spouse with the children, but I feel like this isn't fully accurate. I guess if you stay with a narcissist for decades, you've found a way to cope, and dare I say, have achieved this through also controlling and manipulating the children to ensure mental balance.
Would love to hear your own thoughts on the matter.
Let me reflect on that. I think both can be true - that they are lumped in with the children and that part of their coping mechanism is to also control and manipulate their children or be an accessory to it.
Or, they are also incredibly emotionally immature, and it’s a good fit. I do think a spouse who stays with a partner who has a pattern of narcissistic abuse is enabling it - whether they mean to or not. And they are driven to keep the family together at all costs - particularly if they are women. Maintaining Kinship roles has historically been the province of women, and part of “being a good woman”, along with standing by your husband. Also, if you are staying with a true narcissist, you are subjecting yourself to a serious amount of gaslighting and invalidation. I don’t know how you hold onto yourself in that situation. You become a shell of your former self. So whatever you do, whatever you believe is bound to change with whatever the narcissist in your life tells you. It’s bleak.
Great breakdown. I agree with this.
I've seen plenty of marriages hold together with the spouse having to sacrifice a part of their soul. Shaming, abuse and overt control are rife. I used to feel pity for the spouse, but slowly I've come to realise that they have co-created this dynamic.
Also, a lot of their manipulation is covert. They press the narcissist's buttons to provoke reactive abuse, then play the victim. Or they simply give up all sense of self and allow themselves to be 'remote controlled' by the narcissist, simply doing whatever is asked of them.
Yes, absolutely they co-create the dynamic. And it’s way easier to play the victim in that scenario. That way anything bad that happens is never your fault. And it is covert.
Also if you have not checked out Rebecca Mandeville’s work on Family Scapegoating Abuse, you might find it helpful and interesting. https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com
Thanks, Claire. I'll check her out.