How Narcissists Teach You To Self-Deprecate And Self-Censor
Approaching a narcissist brings with it a strange feeling. A sense of unease and tension. You notice defensiveness rising within you. A call for readiness. A need to perform. To prove yourself. To lock horns — or be subdued and devoured.
There is no letting your hair down when in the presence of a narcissist. Their desire to get the upper hand, and their hunger to extract narcissistic supply, will never cease. From the moment they lay eyes on you, until the second you leave, they are locked on and ravenous.
Those who are uninitiated in the art of narcissism are the easiest prey. Such people maintain civility and politeness, believing that when someone speaks to you, you listen. The uninitiated also adhere to the golden rule — treat others as you would like to be treated. So when they meet a narcissist, they assume that they are speaking with someone interested in a fair and mutually-beneficial exchange. Before long, the narcissist has them subservient like good puppy dogs, and is sucking them dry.
The one who is initiated knows better. They will disengage their energy from the interaction, hence putting an immediate halt to the narcissistic supply. If, however, they refuse to back down, then they must prepare for verbal battle. They need to muscle their way into the conversation, wrestle with the narcissist’s ideas and judgements, and ultimately ‘win’ the exchange. If you bring forth enough emotional resilience and wit, the narcissist will feel themselves being ‘defeated’. Hooray for you.
But what of those who have known a narcissist for years? Who have been subjected to a constant barrage of attack? What is their fate?
The Glass Ceiling Of Worth
To maintain their sense of superiority over others, a narcissist uses various tactics. They might roll their eyes or use condescending stares. Snicker at your perceived weaknesses. Ask rhetorical questions that put you in a negative light, such as “Why did you do your hair like that?”. If you want to contribute to plans, the narcissist wrestles the final decision from you. They will incessantly compare you unfavourably to others to make you feel small. They might also speak about you in the third person while you are there, casting you as the ‘object of concern’.
Such tactics chip away at your self-image and self-esteem. Eventually, you internalise the resulting shame and develop an identity of inferiority, which puts you at an immediate disadvantage in any interaction with the narcissist.
A narcissist will inflate themselves through story, casting themselves as the hero, painting a picture of a life far superior to yours. They shove their superior points of view down your throat and insist on their superior solutions to problems. The narcissist will ensure that you agree with all they say, and cooperate with all they suggest doing. Over and again, you find yourself in a position of inferiority, as shame continues to build.
If you decide to disagree, set boundaries or assert your influence, you will be met with resistance, increased aggression, humiliation or the silent treatment. Needing to fight for every inch in your relationship eventually grows exhausting. The constant battle no longer feels worth it. You fall into line.
With your self-perception corrupted through and through, your behaviours start to shift. As shame builds, and the narcissist’s unforgiving rigidity dominates your life, you feel the need to defuse the unbearable tension through becoming the comic relief.
By pre-empting and reinforcing your inferiority in every interaction, you find the relationship sails more smoothly. You also notice the narcissist grows more pleased and fond of you when you put yourself down.
So you begin to admit embarrassing information about yourself. You fumble in the narcissist’s presence, and question out loud the ‘correctness’ of what you intend to say.
For their part, the narcissist revels in your self-deprecation, piling on the laughter when you explain how stupid you were to forget the salt when shopping.
As the two of you are cooking, and with the narcissist intently watching your every move, the carrot slips from your hand while chopping it and lands on the floor. “God!” says the narcissist, demanding the knife from you. “Here. I’ll do it.”
When it’s time to put the spices in, your mind goes blank, and you refer to the narcissist’s opinion. They gladly confirm with a self-satisfied smirk.
These unconscious attempts to self-deprecate help reinforce the narcissist’s grandiosity while keeping you in your place, and with that, in the narcissist’s good graces.
To Say Or Not To Say
While self-deprecation helps keep the narcissist happy, you find that certain topics and behaviours do the opposite. Your negative emotions, for example, seem to bother the narcissist. If they ask you what’s wrong, and you admit to feeling sad or angry, they may play it down or huff and tell you to get over it. If you share a success with the narcissist, they may barely react, or will switch the topic to one of their successes instead, taking the wind out of your sail. These countless ‘micro diversions’ aim to keep the narcissist from feeling their own negative emotions while ensuring your needs never interfere with your capacity to provide narcissistic supply.
As a result, you find it necessary to withhold your ‘negativity’ while also being careful not to outshine the narcissist. Self-censoring the various aspects of your authenticity then becomes second nature, as the narcissist will brush them off at best, or grow frustrated and angry at worst.
And with that, you come to belittle or ignore who you truly are, as your entire world revolves around the narcissist’s grandiose false self and its need for narcissistic supply.
Self-Loving And Self-Revealing Your Way To Healing
Through awareness of this poisonous dynamic and its source, you can alter the field, hence allowing your True Self to breathe and thrive.
First, pay attention to the ways you self-deprecate, and try to catch them before acting them out. Your conscious awareness of them will reduce their power over time. Don’t try to one-up the narcissist, or inflate yourself instead. Simply watch the urge to self-deprecate and remain as centred and mindful as you can.
Second, stop hoping the narcissist will create space for your distress or encourage your growth and success. Find allies elsewhere who will see, mirror and support the expression of your authenticity.
As for the narcissist’s tendency to dominate every interaction and suck you dry, you have two options: Disengage and withdraw all emotional investment, or prepare yourself for battle.
Browse more of my articles:
Narcissistic Relationships | Knowing The Narcissist | Abuse Recovery | The Narcissistic Family| Exploring Narcissism | Borderline & Histrionic
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Appreciating this forensic disection. Tracks exactly with my experience.