How Narcissism Spreads Through Families
Narcissism is a virus that runs rampant within a ‘tribe’ of people who have ‘low immunity’.
Narcissism does not emerge for no reason; it is a reaction to a core trauma of the Self. It is a compensation strategy for survival. It usually begins with a person who was severely emotionally or physically abandoned by their parents. They experience a fall from grace, a rupture in the childhood ‘Garden of Eden’.
As children, we live within a secure bubble, convinced that we are all-powerful and immortal. Slowly but surely, reality creeps into that bubble as our grandiosity is challenged and tempered. If our parents manage this carefully and lovingly, the result is an assertive and humble adult who can contribute to the world.
Not everyone has an ideal upbringing. When there is conflict or economic hardship in a society, the parental system is put under extreme stress. The parents become short-tempered, controlling and abusive to ensure some semblance of stability within the chaos of their world. The child’s bubble is not only challenged; it suddenly bursts. This leaves them exposed to the fear of abandonment and an extreme feeling of terror and insecurity.
Beyond mere survival, the child also needs a healthy sense of pride. They need to feel empowered within their world so they can be confident to act and thrive within it. When the child lives in an abusive dystopia of chaos and hardship, they have no hope of easing into the world with a healthy sense of pride. Instead, they become saturated in toxic shame, believing themselves to be unworthy and inept.
With the parents having no patience or love to give, nothing the child ever does is right. Also, because the parents have lost sight of the divinity of their offspring, they stop ‘seeing’ their child and attuning to them. Quite the opposite — they become judgemental and contemptuous. As a result, the child comes to believe themselves as unlovable and repulsive.
In reality, the parent is simply overwhelmed and struggling to survive. The parent themselves feels incapable of dealing with a chaotic world, and of course will only mirror this state to their child. What can be more frustrating than a helpless child bringing you down when even getting by is nearly impossible? Taking it out on the children becomes the path of least resistance as the craziness possesses the parent.
The child absorbs this all like a sponge, and without any way of understanding the reality, will be overwhelmed by feelings of terror and shame. This is enough to destroy the child once and for all.
Luckily, the ego has an emergency switch. The mind responds to all of this by creating an alternate reality where the opposite is true. Because being incapable and repulsive is so painful, the mind counters this by transforming the child into an ‘idea’. It creates a new world in which the child is the protagonist and hero. The child is smart, beautiful, divine and all-powerful. There is nobody better, nobody more capable, nobody more special.
Because the child was not conscious when this ‘false self’ formed, they came to take it as gospel. The child grows into an adult with a narcissistic core. They meet numerous people along the way while remaining firmly planted in an alternate reality. It is no coincidence then that they attract people who are equally traumatised and looking for a Utopia that takes away their pain.
The narcissist’s curated reality seems perfect — at first. Most people begin to see through the show and leave. Eventually, however, someone will stick. Marriage follows. Children arrive soon after. However, the beating heart and brain of this new ‘tribe’ has a narcissistic core which infects the spouse as well as the children through domination and control.
Now, it may well be that the outer environment is no longer as hostile as when the narcissistic ‘virus’ first emerged. However, the unconscious core of the narcissist does not know this. The hyper-vigilant parent remains as controlling, abusive and detached from reality as ever. Furthermore, the parent has now picked up a ‘dogma’ about the world which reinforces their belief of being special and all-powerful. They use this like a drug to reinforce the false self which keeps their wounded core at bay.
As long as the narcissist has a reason to feel pride, they have no use for shame. As long as the narcissist exists in an environment where they are ‘capable’, they have no need for flaws. This split is absolute. This creates a perfectionistic mindset which the young, vulnerable children are forced to measure up to. You can see where this is heading…
In most cases, the narcissist’s grandiose belief-set is not grounded in reality. In other cases, the narcissist may be an over-achiever, and they have their grandiosity somewhat validated by the outside world. In any case, one constant remains: Vulnerability, humility, empathy and love are not allowed. One core principle governs the family: You are either the most special or powerful, or you are nothing.
This creates a desperate scramble for power among the children for the favour of the narcissist, who has firmly planted themselves as the monarch of their little tribe. Without awareness of what is going on, every single person becomes infected by this narcissistic mentality. Measuring up becomes the only chance of obtaining love.
It is usually when this model of living becomes too painful that a person snaps out of their psychosis and becomes aware of the reality. Usually, this happens to a scapegoat or a lost child.
More rarely but not impossible, the narcissist themselves can become so horrified by the damage they have done, and so disillusioned by their Sisyphean pursuit of power, that they are forced to look at themselves and start making a change. This typically happens only when the narcissist falls beyond rock bottom.
Browse more of my articles:
Narcissistic Relationships | Knowing The Narcissist | Abuse Recovery | The Narcissistic Family| Exploring Narcissism | Borderline & Histrionic
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