Going No Contact — Coping And Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse
Going no contact from a narcissist can be a hellish experience, much like cold turkey after substance addiction.
If the narcissist has discarded you, it can feel like losing a limb overnight. The disorientation and sudden pain leaves you nauseous at the edge of a cliff. Even if you were the one to end the relationship due to the abuse, the pain and longings can torture you to the point of wanting to go back.
In any case, a clean break with a narcissist is rarely possible.
Preparing For War
Going no contact is a smart idea. Like a spreading cancer, however, it can feel like chemotherapy on your soul. Without no contact, the narcissistic cancer maintains open channels to continue its spread. This brutal override of your insatiable impulses will, in the long term, save your life.
Once you have declared no contact, the civil war begins. The terrible loneliness seeps in. Sleepless, anxiety-filled nights dominate your moon-lit hours. Torturous ruminations about what the narcissist is doing, and if they are thinking of you, circle you like vultures. The haunting sense of abandonment poisons your blood. The cutting agony of heartbreak whips you like a thousand lashes deep into your chest. The beautiful memories linger before you like a mirage. The warm longings for reunion and wholeness seduce you into wanting to return to the narcissist.
While it might be difficult to see when you are in the middle of it, the breakup is in fact revealing to you crucial truths. These messages are an important facet of the breakup which can be missed by those grieving and suffering. This can keep you from seeing the opportunities for growth which inherently lie within the no contact experience.
Like all wars, you need a strategy, and you need a plan for the ‘day after’. That is, you need to understand how you will get through the worst of it, and what awaits you on the other side.
The strategy for coping with and thriving after no contact is as follows:
Minimise Trigger Sources
This is widely documented already. Delete your photos with the narcissist. Block them on social media. Get rid of objects that remind you of them. Avoid places you went together. And so on. Any of these can trigger emotions, ruminations and longings in you which make letting go of the past vastly more difficult.
This first step is actually the final milestone in disguise. The aim is to reach a point where you can see the narcissist’s new posts, or your photos with them, or the objects they go you, and be unaffected. The ultimate goal of no contact is to wish the best for this person, whatever they are doing now, and to be focussed on your own actualisation. That is, the goal is indifference.
If you feel the need, cut out all or most trigger sources to help you clear the mental and emotional space for your no contact journey. Yet remember, the internal process is only beginning.
Brace Yourself For The Harshness Of Reality
People often report being attracted to a narcissist due to their confidence, charm, intense fixation, and willingness to dream big.
It is intoxicating to be with someone who can seemingly handle life, ease your anxiety and help you feel good, who meets all of your needs, wants to be with you and only you forever, and who will help you create the perfect family and bring you endless success.
It is equally devastating when you lose those things. Your mind, body and soul became convinced that it had it all. You were complete when you were with the narcissist, and now you are fractured into a thousand pieces.
Can one person really be the solution to all of your challenges and problems? How grounded in reality were you really during the relationship? Did you at any point have this lingering feeling like you were on a months-long rollercoaster, with the memory of your ‘real’ life somewhere in the back of your mind?
As you squint and look into your ‘picture perfect’ relationship with the narcissist , the image might flicker. You get a jolt, and then look deeper. The image flickers again, until you begin to see through it. Pain arises. ‘Knowings’ emerge. Realisations. Gut feelings. Bursts of anger. Suspicions. Aha moments. Everything you repressed so you could maintain the fantasy. This is your True Self yelling through its now-open prison-cell door. It is reality reinstating itself.
Differentiating between illusion and reality in a narcissistic relationship can be incredibly difficult. When reality involves deep trauma and pain, fantasy can be the only defense we have from falling into despair and agony. There may be some truths that are simply too painful to face about who we are and where we came from.
A narcissistic relationship can regulate your mood, paint over your problems, and distract you from seeing, and above all, feeling the reality beneath. This is why no contact is so crucial. It allows you to feel what is there, rather than cling to a fantasy that is not. Fantasy is pain relief. To succeed in no contact, you have to be willing to feel the truth.
Within the pain lies all the information you need to evolve and grow after the civil war is over. That is your reward for enduring: truth, freedom and infinite possibility.
Address Your Core Needs
Fantasy paints over two important elements for coping and thriving in general: Our core needs, and by extension, the core wounds we carry from having those needs neglected or betrayed.
Core needs are the building blocks of a healthy Self. They are the spiritual and psychological fuel we need to become powerful, autonomous human beings. We crave the fulfilment of those needs almost like water. When those needs are unmet, manipulated or betrayed, we suffer like nothing else. The stakes are incredibly high here, and they remain so as long as those needs are not met.
The list of core needs and core wounds, along with their matching resolutions, are as follows:
Targets of narcissistic abuse come into the relationship with a plethora of unmet core needs, and just as many core wounds. The narcissist gains their power over you by promising the fulfilment of those needs. During the love bombing stage, it can feel like the narcissist is in fact fulfilling those needs in real time.
Like someone receiving water just before their death from thirst, you can easily miss the motive behind the giving. It is only after the fact that targets of narcissistic abuse research and begin to understand the dynamics behind the apparently loving behaviour of the narcissist.
During the love bombing stage, the narcissist will see you with a weary gaze as they learn about your vulnerabilities. They will connect with you to build your attachment to them. They will tell you that you are not only worthy, but more significant than anyone else. They will help you feel safe with their charm. They will make you feel wanted through their constant attention.
It is no surprise then that people become hooked on the narcissist. So as you begin no contact, take inventory of all the core needs the narcissist fulfilled. Go a step further, and rank those core needs by their importance to you.
Maybe you find yourself constantly wondering if the narcissist is thinking about you. You might also see a post of them with a new person, and ruminate about how much more attractive or interesting that person is compared to you.
At the core of the above two examples are the needs to be seen, to be significant, and to be wanted (i.e. desirable). Tracing your core needs through your relationship (and breakup) with the narcissist then helps you to map out your inner landscape.
Once you have taken inventory, the next step will be to explore how you can fulfil those core needs for yourself, followed by how you can outsource your needs to healthier figures. By knowing your core needs, taking responsibility for meeting them, and then allowing numerous people to meet different sets of needs, you create a sustainable sense of Self and well-being.
The ins-and-outs of addressing core needs goes well beyond this article. A great resource is the Personal Development School’s Youtube Channel. The PDS can help you determine your attachment style, and then dig into core needs and wounds related to your style.
Core needs and wounds are what fuel the narcissist’s power over your thoughts, feelings and behaviours — even after the narcissist is gone. Get your core needs fulfilled by yourself and by others, and the cravings begin to fade. Then no contact becomes infinitely easier.
The Path To Transcendence Runs Through Narcissism
An unhealthy relationship can be filtered down to one thing: The abandonment of yourself, and directing the fulfilment of your core needs through one person who is unable and unwilling to meet those needs. Sound familiar?
In childhood, you have no capacity to fulfil your core needs, nor do you know how to go about getting them met by others. Mummy and/or daddy were supposed to take care of everything.
If you repeat this dynamic in adulthood, it is likely a trauma response carried over from childhood. As your need for the narcissist dominates every fibre of your mind, body and soul, ask yourself: Why precisely is this person the important figure in my life? What made the narcissist so special really?
Healthy parenting entails fulfilling your child’s core needs while simultaneously showing them how they can do it for themselves. As you truly see your child, you unconsciously show them how they can see themselves. This may sound utterly ridiculous, yet it is something I experienced in therapy as an adult. Having not been seen for who I was as a child, I was able to pick up on the therapist’s capacity to see and take an interest in my authenticity. She was not only an observer, but a curious one. My Higher Self emerged from this experience.
If you should look out for anything during no contact, it is the emergence of your Higher Self — the ‘one’ who knows all, sees all, and loves all. This is the figure you mistook the narcissist for.
A dysfunctional childhood leaves you with a broken capacity to fulfil your own core needs due to this lack of a Higher Self. The handover was either never initiated, or was cut off at an early phase due to divorce or other catastrophe. Therefore, you remained with this longing for a Higher person, someone who could help you resolve your incomplete process.
The narcissist took on a much greater form than they otherwise deserved. The stronger your core needs and core wounds, the more divine a person becomes who fulfils those needs, much like a parent to a child. It is why patients fall in love with their therapists, and why people fall head over heels for a narcissist during the love bombing phase.
No contact leads to pain. Pain leads to a plethora of messages and signals directing you toward your core needs and core wounds. Fulfilling those core needs, and showing love for those core wounds, is how you build a Higher Self. As you do, slowly introduce healthy figures into your life who can further assist you with getting your core needs met. This way, you can shed the narcissist for good, as well as build a web of healthy and nurturing relationships that will move you toward happiness for good.
Browse more of my articles:
Narcissistic Relationships | Knowing The Narcissist | Abuse Recovery | The Narcissistic Family| Exploring Narcissism | Borderline & Histrionic
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