Every Narcissist Is Unique
In the DSM-5 manual, one of the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder is ‘A belief that he or she is special and unique…’
After years of contemplation, I have finally decided that it is time to give narcissists their time in the sun. To admit that, yes, they are indeed unique —except not in the way they think.
Same Old Narcissist
When people talk about narcissists, there’s a ubiquity to it, as though ‘the narcissist’ is one person. In the collective psyche, ‘the narcissist’ is a bogeyman, someone to despise and avoid. The best spell or weapon we have againt this bogeyman is called ‘no contact’. Otherwise, if you simply stand still and do not transmit any emotions, the narcisisst should lose their scent and leave you alone.
The narcissist’s traits and strategies are well-documented and widely-understood. Selfishness. Manipulation. Fantasy. Dishonesty. Infidelity. Gaslighting. Reactive abuse. Idealise-devalue-discard. The narcissist will suck your emotional life out of you and spit you out when they are done.
A narcissist is so predictable. Once a person’s behaviour fits the label in some way, they seem to lose all uniqueness as a human being. They become the label, and everything that comes with it. Narcissist.
The reality is far more complex. Yet is is not the narcissist’s favourite colour or the way they flick their hair which makes them unique — it is the narcissism itself. More specifically, it is the core trauma behind the narcissismwhich makes the narcissist unique.
A Recipe For Disaster
Complex trauma manifests in various forms, many of which are rarely spoken about in the popular discourse.
The schizoid response makes someone aloof and detached from human connection. Paranoia creates mistrust in the world. The more psychopathysomeone develops, the more likely they are to manipulate others for the own end. The histrionic wants everyone to desire them, and uses their sexuality to maximum effect. The borderline is emotionally dysregulated and self-destructive. Perfectionism and codependency as coping mechanisms lead to either over-investing or under-investing in people and life in general.
The fact is, all people with complex trauma are plagued by all of these responses to some degree. The reason we have a label for a narcissist is that their narcissistic symptoms dominate. Yet no narcissist is a true believer, just as no living organism remains the same. The narcissist is still a human, with a unique set of experiences, relationships and DNA.
The nature of the narcissist’s original wounding is also unique. Narcissists who were chronically neglected tend to fall into the schizoid response when times get rough. Those who were micro-managed by a narcissistic parent may become overtly narcissistic. Some narcissists are almost always in control, yet fall apart during a crisis and self-sabotage like a borderline. Anti-social behaviour might not be possible in certain environments, but when a narcissist breaks free and enters urban anonymity, then their psychopathic response is likely to activate. It is far easier to manipulate people who don’t know you well.
Environment, life situation, even luck produces a complex trauma ‘recipe’ with a unique blend of the above ingredients. Four cups of chronic neglect, a tablespoon of paranoia, a dash of schizoid, a cup of histrionic, a sprinkle of psychopathy, and voila; you have a narcissist.
The Freedom To Not Know
Narcissists can be incredibly adaptable. They will often shift their behaviours in response to the world and people around them. A narcissist can be brutally dominating in one relationship, while friendly and appeasing in another. They can string one person along for years, then start trying for a baby with someone they met last week. Sometimes a person with complex trauma will have a strong grandiosity exterior, yet at their core be more borderline or schizoid than narcissist. Some are psychopaths in disguise.
No narcissist is the same, and it is time to stop behaving as though they are. When we learn to see narcissism through the lense of complex trauma, we can better measure reality. A narcissist is a constantly-shifting kaleidescope of many personality responses, not a ‘definition’.
Rather than trying to take the perfect snapshot of a spinning kaleidescope, we need to accept that it is the kaleidescope itself that is the problem. Whether someone is acting from paranoia, or psychopathic self-interest, or narcissistic selfishness, or is acting out their borderline response in a fashion that is destructive to themselves and you, it makes no difference. Toxic is toxic, no matter how you look at.
Trying to understand the madness will only drive you mad. Instead, listen to your gut. Use the moment of crisis as an opportunity to deepen your relationship with your True Self. The core issue is that you were programmed into a predictable set of behaviours by someone who wanted to reduce you to a source of supply. Seeing the problem through a set of ‘scripts’ and ‘checkboxes’ keeps you in this ego-based mindset. True recovery means reclaiming your right to feel and think authentically. To be open to the world as it is.
This is what freedom from narcissism looks like.
Browse more of my articles:
Narcissistic Relationships | Knowing The Narcissist | Abuse Recovery | The Narcissistic Family| Exploring Narcissism | Borderline & Histrionic
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