A Narcissist Deserves Empathy — But Not Yours
Narcissists are becoming notorious as an evil beyond redemption, undeserving of our pity or empathy. Since dropping your boundaries with a narcissist only encourages them to weaponise your attention and energy, firm boundaries and relaxed vigilance are necessary at all times. No exceptions.
Many targets of narcissism have been seduced into the idea that if they show just enough love and empathy, the narcissist will discover the path back to their own heart. A painful lesson awaits such people.
If we were to look at possible healing modalities for narcissists, we are presented with a chicken/egg scenario. In childhood, a narcissist was not seen, valued or loved for who they were, and therefore developed a grandiose false self to survive the pain. The way toward healing is through love. Many of us know this. Yet the narcissist only avoids and abuses love. Which raises the question: If someone was not given or shown love, how can they heal without love?
The answer, as crazy as it may sound, is for the narcissist to love themselves.
This statement may raise shock, horror or wild cackles from anyone who has been deeply affected by narcissistic abuse. Nonetheless, we need to take into account that the term ‘narcissist’ has only just emerged in the current zeitgeist. Consciousness is expanding at an astronomical pace. Our understanding of cluster-b personalities is ever-growing, and narcissists — overt and covert alike — are taking an interest.
Last century, a narcissist could dish out their abuse and leave their target in a tailspin without anyone being the wiser. With a primitive understanding of abuse dynamics, a target was doomed to suffer over and again. Now, we aregrowing wiser. We are learning every nuance and trick in the narcissist’s inventory. We are practicing self-care and boundary setting. We are healing, evolving and growing in power. When burnt even once, we educate ourselves at a rate our ancestors could not fathom, and then we make adjustments. Opportunities for the narcissist to exploit others are rapidly dwindling. The day of reckoning is arriving, both for the individual narcissist, and for narcissism as an ‘ideology’ in general. The rewards for the effort may no longer be worth it.
So what is a narcissist to do? Luckily, we are not only developing our capacity to identify the pathology. Plant medicine and psychedelics are rising as a healing modality. Therapy is becoming more accessible. Men’s and women’s circles, as well as dancing circles and spiritual groups, are popping up everywhere, calling for authenticity and community. The benefits for being real are growing, while the rewards for narcissism are shrinking — at least on the relational level.
The narcissist may reach a crossroads, where they see a life of exploitation, abuse and emptiness on one side, and a life of healing, meaning and community along the other. Maybe, just maybe, the incentives will be enough to choose authenticity.
Yet this road will not be smooth. It is unpaved and bumpy in many places. It ventures through thick forests and treacherous jungles, where dangerous beasts lurk. Still, this is only the inner journey. The outer journey can provide ample safe spaces and opportunities for healing — if only the narcissist can conjure the courage.
Above all, a narcissist will need to learn the arts of self-acceptance, self-understanding and self-love. These are the narcissist’s loyal companions for the journey into their dark inner depths. And as the narcissist progresses, and they begin to transmute their shameful core, the incentives to carry on will continue increasing.
Nobody should tolerate a narcissist, love them unconditionally, empathise with them, try to fix them, or aim to heal their shadow — except the narcissist themselves. If the narcissist won’t tolerate their pain for even a moment, why should anyone else have to? The path is theirs to take, and theirs alone.
We as a collective are faced with an equally-challenging crossroads. With online dating, online porn and social media transforming our society into one that rewards narcissism and exploitation, which direction will we take? The road back to each other, or the self-indulgent path to fragmentation, emptiness and ruin?
A narcissist must drop their false self and face their demons. As they progress on their journey, others can connect with them in a boundaried manner, with mutual healing and growth in mind. Yet as long as a narcissist maintains their false self and refuses to look inwards, as long as they keep chasing that addictive high of narcissistic supply, they remain a danger to others — and must be dealt with accordingly.
The ball is in your court, narcissist.
Browse more of my articles:
Narcissistic Relationships | Knowing The Narcissist | Abuse Recovery | The Narcissistic Family| Exploring Narcissism | Borderline & Histrionic
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