Why Borderlines Love Narcissists

Borderlines are full of life. They are optimistic dreamers. They believe deeply in love, and move about the world with a child-like innocence. They have a charm about them which emanates warmth like a fireplace. To be around them is to be around life.

In many cases, the borderline can be flirtatious and sexual. They are affectionate, spontaneous, unafraid of risk, and ready to take life head-on. Beyond their gentleness and warmth, they offer excitement and novelty. With the borderline by your side, nothing is off limits, everything is possible.

So why do they end up with people who abuse and suck them dry? Why are borderlines uncontrollably attracted to narcissists?

An Anchor In Wild Seas — Based On A Lie

Bright lights cast shadows. The borderline is no exception.

Behind their many positive traits, the borderline possesses an inner world of unbridled chaos, pain and volatility. They are sensitive like a person with no skin. Emotions easily flood them and take them over. They dissociate often, and when this is paired with emotional dysregulation, leads to them acting out in ways they regret.

The borderline is full of unprocessed, repressed rage, carried over from a childhood where they felt unprotected, unsafe, objectified and unshielded from chaos and uncertainty. The borderline is often the child of divorce, abuse and dysfunction.

Sometimes, the borderline feels powerful and immortal. Most of the time, however, they feel disgusting and unlovable. They are constantly terrified of falling into deep shame. In many cases, their internal chaos and pain drives them to self-mutilate and idealise about suicide. The borderline dissociates and has gaps in memory. Because of their constant amnesia and roller coaster emotional state, they have no cohesive sense of who they are.

Then along comes a narcissist, who seems to have none of these problems. The narcissist is calm, confident and knows exactly who they are. There is no identity disturbance to be seen. The narcissist has all the answers, and is unaffected by the challenges of life. The narcissist is charming, optimistic, and totally fixated on the borderline. Like a tiny boat in rough seas, the borderline anchors themselves to this saviour figure.

Unknown to the borderline, however, is that the narcissist is anchored in a false self which is parasitic, insatiable, rigid and abusive. This remains hidden during the love bombing stage, where the borderline feels calm, safe and confident. For a blissful moment in time, the borderline is no longer being bashed around by their ocean of emotion and pain.

An Unbreakable Bond — Based On Trauma

The borderline is terrified of abandonment. Therefore, when they find reprieve from their internal agony in a narcissistic relationship, they cling for dear life.

Over time, as the narcissist transitions from the love bombing to the devaluing stage, the borderline is re-exposed to their internal pain and chaos. Frantic to avoid returning to their trauma, they double down and cling even more to the narcissist.

As the narcissist treats them with disdain, ridicules them, turns cold and begins distancing themselves, the borderline is thrust into hell. They pull away from the narcissist, or act out destructively. The narcissist, sensing the loss of their supply, then love bombs the borderline to get them back under control.

This push-pull, hot-cold dynamic creates deep anxiety. The narcissist never knows when the borderline will act out or pull away, and the borderline never knows when the narcissist may discard them and leave. The intermittent reinforcement of this kind of relationship makes the borderline addicted to the narcissist in much the same way a gambling addict cannot peel themselves away from a slot machine.

When things turn bad, life becomes horrible. Yet when things are good, the borderline experiences bliss. They are in heaven with the narcissist. Can this be real?