The Narcissistic Family: A Shattered Mythology

The narcissistic family is an isolated cult of one. It does not worship God, has no affinity to the state, and is cut off from the mythology of its people and nation. The solitary focus of worship and submission is the narcissistic parent.

All roads lead to the narcissist. The narcissistic family does not have a greater sense of tribe. It may physically dwell in a village, a city or a nation, yet it has no affinity or loyalty to any of these. The core to understanding why, unsurprisingly, also lies with the narcissist.

A narcissist carries the core trauma of being neglected, shamed, controlled, treated coldly, objectified, and above all, not seen for who they truly are. Due to their dysfunctional environment, the narcissist felt chronically unsafe and unworthy. In the face of unfathomable fear and shame, their True Self shattered into countless fragments. On the edge of death and disintegration, they made a last-ditch effort to salvage a sense of self: They split off from their True Self, and they created a grandiose, all-powerful false self.

While it may only be a construct in their mind, the false self plays a crucial role in stabilising the narcissist’s identity and psychology. It is the gargoyle at the edge of their soul keeping them safe from the destructive power of their trauma.

Yet at their core, the narcissist remains paranoid, dissociated and detached from reality. The narcissist does not see people as they are. They cannot empathise with them, or feel their plight, or relate to them. What the narcissist sees are abstractions of people. With their black-and-white infantile thinking, the narcissist attaches labels to these abstractions based on a binary system of good and evil. There are no shades of grey. The narcissist idolises people based on what they deem to be good, or they vilify people based on their own paranoia.

Ultimately, the narcissist has one criteria for judging people; do they buy into the false self, and do they provide it with narcissistic supply? This paints a picture of someone dissociated from reality and existing within a bubble of mistrust and delusion.

Inside this bubble is where the narcissist’s spouse and children find themselves. The narcissist is suspicious of outsiders, sensitive to losing control, and has expectations of nothing less than perfection. The spouse and children are therefore expected to live up to impossible standards, never disappoint the narcissist, and never stray from the narcissist’s control.

While the members of a narcissistic family often drift into the outside world, the narcissist sows seeds in their minds, controlling them with a psychological string from inside the home. The members of a narcissistic family feel guilty for wanting independence, are afraid of the narcissist’s wrath, and remain overwhelmed by the shame and fear injected into them by the narcissistic parent.

People want to believe that they are loved. They want to believe that their home and family are nurturing and warm. These things are core to our sense of identity, sanity and well-being. Without this story, we would suffer immensely.