The Histrionic’s Insatiable Hunger For Desire
Oh, to be wanted. Desired. Magnetic. To be irresistible. Who would say no to that?
The woman who has been wolf whistled for the third time that morning may object, perhaps. But for the histrionic, no is never an option — they want to be desired by everyone, at all times.
Narcissist In Disguise?
The histrionic craves attention, and will do almost anything to get it. If they are not the centre of attention, they grow distressed and insecure. This trait overlaps with narcissism, and therefore a histrionic could easily be mistaken for a narcissist. Yet the histrionic pathology goes further, and is organised around a different core wound to the narcissist.
A histrionic is typically highly seductive. They use their body, their charm and their sexuality to draw in a person’s attention. They act sexually, or bring up sex in contexts where it is inappropriate. The histrionic might also be dramatic, lively and over the top. They are the person who, with their potent energy, snatches the group’s attention and aims to keep it. The histrionic may also be obsessed with their health and appearance, always seeking out the newest trend or health fad to stay ahead of the curve.
The histrionic is like a peacock, putting on an elaborate show to draw in unsuspecting admirers. However, we should not be so easily dazzled by this captivating figure. We need to move beyond the show, and delve deeper to truly understand what makes the histrionic tick.
At their core, the histrionic and the narcissist differ in what they seek and why they seek it.
The narcissist wants one thing: narcissistic supply. Sex, affirmation, adulation, services and resources are intended for one purpose: to confirm the narcissist’s grandiosity, and cement their position as the most special person that ever existed.
A histrionic seems to want the same things. Their sexual nature communicates that they want sex. They will gladly accept services and resources. The histrionic also demands adulation and compliments, and like the narcissist, uses their appearance as a means to an end. However, the histrionic does not necessarily want to be the most special person in the world; they want to be the most desired. This stark difference is driven by the narcissist and histrionic’s unique core wounds.
The narcissist felt unseen for who they truly were, and so became overwhelmed with shame, concluding that they were insignificant. To compensate for the resulting pain, they created a ‘superior’ false self. Therefore, the narcissist’s drive to be seen is intended to give them a sense of significance.
The histrionic, on the other hand, felt unwanted. Perhaps they were an undesired pregnancy, or the parent grew resentful of and overwhelmed by their responsibility as a parent. Maybe the relationship between the histrionic’s parents started off well, but devolved into dysfunction, abuse, violence and even divorce. With their relationship broken down and life in tatters, the parent may then have become resentful toward the children. As a result, the histrionic concluded that they were unwanted by their parent, and their drive for attention became tied to their need to feel desirable.
The Irresistible Unwanted
It’s tough to ‘want’ your child when you see them as the source of all your distress and problems. The unwanted child is as demanding as any child, yet this weight grows immense when the parent does not even wish to be a parent.
Children are incredibly sensitive. Even a foetus can pick up on a cellular level if the mother is delighted and excited by their arrival, or anxious and resentful. This is what creates the core wound of the histrionic. They know they are unwanted, albeit on an unconscious level.
The core wound of the histrionic grows from every interaction with their parent. Every frown, every contemptuous stare, every huff or sigh. Every emotional withdrawal, every refusal to validate the histrionic is another stab in the heart, creating deep trauma. The pain of this then gets too much, and the histrionic creates a false self like the narcissist, with the aim of becoming irresistible. People will have no choice but to want them.
The Histrionic Core
If you could reduce the histrionic into one sentence, it would be: Everyone secretly wants me.
Women are typically associated with histrionic personality disorder, and often exhibit the major symptoms. Some reasons for this might be:
Women are ‘permitted’ to be dramatic by society, whereas over-acting or showing emotion is often frowned upon when men do it.
Women’s attractiveness and sexuality typically show in their bodies, where they can impact a man simply through their appearance and body movement.
Attractive women, histrionic or not, are approached all the time, hence fuelling their belief in their desirability.
This over-simplification can help us understand why the histrionic pathology shows up in women more. They typically have the tools to satisfy any need to be desirable.
However, men are equally affected by the histrionic pathology; they merely express it covertly. A ‘covert histrionic’ man (or woman) may walk around spotting ‘clues’ about who wants them. If a person pays them a glance, or plays with their hair in the histrionic’s presence, or even stands nearby, the covert histrionic sees that as a sign of their desirability. The person is clearly ‘sending them signals’.
The covert histrionic fears the limelight. They sustain their ‘desirable’ false self through the mental gymnastics of ‘spotting’ desire, and with that, keeps at bay the terrible pain of feeling unwanted as a child.
And while attractive women and dramatic histrionics tend to receive more overt attention, the one realm in which all histrionics can gain an equal playing field is inside the bedroom.
The Princess And The Femme Fatale
As the histrionic’s libido emerges, their core wound becomes enmeshed with their sexuality.
When females go through puberty, they start to experience a dramatic increase in attention from men. They notice that if they play up their femininity and ‘innocence’, men become more aroused and interested. This leads to them playing out a princess role, where by acting innocent, giggly or playful, they earn a man’s devoted interest in them. Over time, this kind of histrionic builds up an army of admirers, never having enough attention to satisfy her.
Even when she is in a long-term relationship, the princess histrionic keeps exes, old lovers and unwitting male friends in her orbit, baiting them with morsels of attention, or acting helpless to activate their saviour complex.
The princess histrionic must juggle the attention of all her male admirers while fending off their sexual and romantic advances. In some cases, she will sleep with a man when he pulls away to keep him interested. In the case of narcissistic or psychopathic men, the princess histrionic may agree to all kinds of sex acts in the hope of maintaining her control.
Then you have the femme fatale, who uses sex as her weapon. This kind of histrionic channels her gushing sexuality and attractiveness in a predatory, psychopathic way. She dresses provocatively, behaves sexually, and brings sex up in conversation to provoke men’s desire for her. This kind of histrionic usually has an end goal in mind, such as being financially supported or dominating the man’s life in some way.
Don Juan And Casanova
The male histrionic, unless he is blessed with beautiful genetics, must rely on his seduction skills to gain the desire of women (or men).
Certain histrionic men style themselves as ‘players’, and like to go from one conquest to the next. This Casanova type tends to be superficial and ‘light-hearted’ with their approach, weaving a playful fantasy for their target. Women to them are objects to be used. Such men may be part of the ‘pick-up artist community’, looking to approach as many women a day as possible. Their aim is to earn notches on their belt, as each ‘conquest’ they get into bed reinforces their desirability, and by extension, their masculinity.
The Don Juan is a deeper, more emotional version of the Casanova. He aims for a heart-felt connection, and idealises particular women as the ‘perfect’ manifestion of the feminine; the answer to all of his woes. The Don Juan takes the conversation deep almost immediately, and seduces by forming a close bond without boundaries. The Don Juan typically comes on strong at the beginning, showering his women with compliments and love declarations, but then wavers in his conviction as the woman shows her ‘imperfections’.
Narcissists tend to be Don Juan types, playing out their idealise-devalue-discard cycles on a single person at a time. Psychopathic histrionic men typically lean into the Casanova, as they chase the goal of bedding as many women as possible.
The Histrionic’s Treadmill To Nowhere
You would think that the histrionic, when desired by someone, would seek out sex and intimacy. However, histrionics fear both of these things, as they bring them into a vulnerable space.
The end game of the histrionic is to be desired, nothing more or less. Often when a histrionic gains the absolute attention and desire of their target, they skip off to the next ‘challenge’. Histrionics tend to be attracted to emotionally-avoidant people who are hard to get. This allows them to avoid their fear of intimacy, as the other person also does not want to be intimate. People who fall for a histrionic can consider their days with them numbered. Histrionics are like bunny rabbits, hopping from person to person, sniffing out their desire and then hopping away when they get it.
Yet even bunny rabbits sometimes get caught.
The only exception to the bunny rabbit style of relating is when a histrionic has a co-morbidity with psychopathy or narcissism. The psychopathic histrionic seeks to gain a person’s desire so they can exploit them. The narcissistic histrionic aims to be desired so that it makes the other person easier to draw narcissistic supply from. And even though sex unsettles the narcissistic and psychopathic histrionic, they will maintain it as long as it achieves their respective aims.