Love vs. Love Bombing

Every great relationship has a spark. A moment when the world grew brighter and more consequential. For too long you had a sense that you were merely wandering. Existing. Floating in space. Surrounded by people, yet unable to reach out and touch them. Until they came along: Your soulmate.

Suddenly your world became imbued with meaning. You felt infinite purpose emanating from within. Anything was possible. You were finally ready to take on the world, and you had your soulmate to join you for the ride.

Sinister Motives

We are all high during those heady first months. This is not a figure of speech. We are literally being flooded with dopamine and norepinephrine. We might as well be on drugs.

When in this state, it is nearly impossible to see the reality in front of us. Who the other person is beneath the surface, what their true intentions are, what dynamics are developing between you and them; none of it matters. And even if it did, you have no way of gauging the truth. You are high. Except rather than your hands looking weird, it is your entire life.

If in reality you have met a psychopath, then you are being groomed to give sex, money or status to them, to serve their cold-blooded agenda. You are being instrumentalised so that the psychopath can get what they desire. There is no ‘love’ on the psychopath’s side. You are being used, plain and simple.

If you have met a narcissist, then you are being lulled into their fantasy world. The narcissist seeks perfection, and they have projected that perfection onto you. The narcissist is recruiting you as a co-conspirator who will feed their grandiosity. The narcissist is on the run, not from the law, but from their internal reservoir of toxic shame. They have been looking for the Bonnie to their Clyde, and you gladly step into the role.

If you have met a borderline, then you have been cast into a saviour role. The borderline is a helpless victim, and you are going to save them. This person needs your presence and attention during every waking minute. Their mood fluctuates from ecstatic to anxious to sad and back to ecstatic. Their life is riddled with misfortunes and failures. Yet none of it matters in the rapture of your shared high. You love being needed. Yet little do you know that you are being used as an emotional tampon, a kind of therapist who keeps the borderline’s emotions or life from veering out of control.

On The Road To True Love, Or Driving In Circles?

While each of the above cases is unique, they share one crucial trait: You are being showered with attention based on a lie.

Even though all love stories start with a glorious bang, the ones that last tend to have a healthy dose of reality. Sure, both of you are high, but this will eventually fade. Rather than the initial phase being the entire premise for your relationship, it merely fades into the past and becomes the ‘mythology of us’ — the beautiful story of how you met.

In a healthy union, what remains after the high fades are shared values, mutual respect, commitment, loyalty, acceptance of faults, compromise, struggle, steps toward building a future, and a true love that deepens over time. You quickly come to understand that the initial high was merely the spark for the actual fire that is true love.

In an unhealthy union, nothing matters but the high. You have mistaken the spark for the fire. In contrast to a steadily-building healthy relationship, you will find only urgency. Rather than moving comfortably through a courtship and dating phase, you end up in constant contact with this person. You are bombarded with messages and calls every waking minute. When you wake up and look at your phone, you are greeted with a morning declaration of love. You are together during every free minute you have. You cannot keep your hands off each other. You make glorious, audacious plans. Suffocation gradually seeps in, yet you push it away. You are high.

What you don’t realise in your drunken stupor, however, is that you are being love bombed, softened up to be used for an insidious purpose. And to top it all off, it is not love you are experiencing, but rather limerence.

A Counterfeit Love

Limerence is irrational infatuation and obsession. It is your heart bursting with joy and amazement at the mere thought of the other person.

Limerence is characterised by the following:

• Intrusive thoughts: The person is on your mind when you wake, and as you fall asleep. You think about them constantly throughout the day, whether you like it or not, and feel an irresistible need to be with them when they are not around.

• Dramatic change in priorities: You put aside your hobbies, your friends, even your long-term plans in order to align your life with this person.

• Emotional dependence: You do everything you can to keep that person’s approval, feeling incredibly anxious about ‘doing something wrong’ which might upset them. You read into every communication, decision, boundary or facial expression, terrified that this ‘perfect’ relationship might suddenly fall apart.