Harmful Friends: Banter vs. Ritual Humiliation
A guy awakens at midday with a splitting headache after a big night of drinking. Regret swirls through him, and harsh, critical thoughts eat at him. Why did you drink so much? You’ve wasted the whole day. You always do this. Loser. You’ll never amount to anything.
In an act of defiance against his hangover, he stumbles out of bed, sculls a glass of water, and heads out to meet his buddy for a coffee.
As the conversation warms up, his friend proudly declares his membership in the 5 am club. He got up before sunrise, meditated, journaled, went to the gym, and made a healthy smoothie; all before arriving for the coffee.
Suddenly, our protagonist feels the return of his regret, fused with the crippling heaviness of shame. In short, he begins to feel inferior to his dashing friend. To fend off his discomfort, he opens his mouth to speak:
“Wow,” he says sarcastically. “Congratulations, Mr. I’m So healthy.”
His friend’s eyes widen in surprise, before he smirks.
“Shut up, you alcoholic.”
Our protagonist shakes his head and smiles.
“Aren’t you late for your manicure?”
The two men chuckle, and relax again into each other’s company. Balance has been restored. In this exchange, we have a playful attempt at balancing shame.
Shame, being the emotion of ‘good enough’, nudges us to keep up with our tribe. If they have it better, shame creates an unpleasant internal experience to compel us to improve our standing in the social order, lest we fall behind.
Yet this is not always possible, nor necessary. Perhaps the healthiest and most enjoyable solution is banter. When an imbalance is revealed, as in the case of the disciplined friend meeting his ‘irresponsible’ buddy, playful insults help to shift the scale, flying back and forth in a witty game of verbal ping pong.
The ‘Friend’ Who Breaks The Scale
Friends who respect and care for each other instinctively sense imbalances of shame in their relationship, and work together to balance things out. Even if one person is ahead of the other in various aspects of life, they use their standing to uplift their friend and inspire them. They may also play down their accomplishments for the sake of their friend, or take a ‘few hits’ of banter to ensure harmony.
In the worst cases, banter is used as a hammer to crush the other person, rather than a tool to balance the relationship.
Under the guise of ‘joking around’, an abusive person can ridicule their ‘friend’ consistently, poking fun at any and all of their weak spots. If the friend answers back, the abuser increases the intensity and cruelty of their attacks to keep their friend ‘in their place’.
Such a relentless assault is intended to ensure domination and superiority. Meanwhile, the abuser will claim that they are ‘only joking’ while telling their friend to ‘lighten up’. This is classic gaslighting.
Being in such a friendship gradually crushes a person’s self-esteem and soul, leaving them in a hopeless pit of despair, unable to defend themselves, and unable to pry themselves from the abusive relationship. Identifying the difference between banter and ritual humiliation is the first step to breaking free from such abuse, and finding better friends who uplift us and work with us toward mutual growth and happiness.