Are Narcissists Powerful?

When Toto pulls back the curtain in The Wizard of Oz, the ‘Wizard’ is revealed to be an ordinary man, who the whole time was projecting out a ‘powerful’ version of himself using a machine.

How many targets of narcissistic abuse were mesmerised by the narcissist’s world, by their unshakeable conviction, confidence and seemingly endless reserves of energy? How many then peeked behind the curtain of the narcissist’s false self, shocked to discover an inner child filled with shame, fury and desperation?

It would be easy to dismiss narcissists as grifters of the soul, people to be identified and avoided. Yet their impact on the current zeitgeist is undeniable. Endless books, articles and videos have flooded the market, aiming to shed light on this phenomenon. For many targets of narcissism, the focus has become an obsession. Narcissism has preoccupied the minds and destroyed the lives of millions, mobilising a significant chunk of humanity. Is that not power?

The Awakening Begins

Targets of narcissism can never forget that ‘aha’ moment, that psychological lightning strike which fundamentally changed their lives. Years of abuse suddenly came to the light. They could finally label and validate their experience. The further down the rabbit hole they went, the more obvious the narcissist’s tricks became. Suddenly, the stakes no longer felt so high. Rather than shame and fear, the target began to feel disgust, anger, and eventually, contempt. No-contact grew infinitely easier.

This is ‘phase one’ of recovery, where the target’s awareness widens, and they learn to identify the tricks and behaviours while taking concrete steps to regulate their emotions and grow their personal power. I’ve described this phase in detail in my book ‘How To Kill A Narcissist’.

These surface-level adjustments make an enormous impact on the target’s life, allowing them far more breathing space and opportunities for growth than they ever dreamed possible.

Towards the end of this phase, a person can usually establish a path forward which offers enough peace for a satisfying life after narcissistic abuse.

Others, however, gradually find themselves sinking back into mud, as a seemingly-innocent, fledgling relationship becomes the harbinger of that familiar shadow of the past. This is where we discover the true power of narcissists.

Necessity, The Fuel Of Power

It can be seductive to consider the narcissist in your life as a one-off ‘fluke’ occurrence. Learn their tricks, establish no-contact, and move forward. Simple.

This kind of finger-pointing at the ‘big, bad narcissist’, however, is what can dazzle and distract us from discovering the deeper truth of the matter: It was not just the narcissist who fooled us. We fooled ourselves.

The narcissist’s grandiose, fantasy world is custom-made to plug the deficiencies of our lives in real time. Once a certain narcissist’s particular brand of fantasy loses its power and collapses, we are finally able to change everything and recreate our life from scratch. Eventually, we find balance, and become receptive to meeting new people to fit our new life.

Like magic, an alluring person then steps into our vision, and they feel so right. We are confident in our understanding of narcissism, so nothing can go wrong. Right? And yet, as the honeymoon phase comes and goes, and the water temperature of the relationship gradually reaches a boiling point, we are shocked to find that it has happened again. Our new life has been gradually consumed into an updated fantasy custom-made to match it. How did this happen?

Leaving an abusive relationship and rediscovering balance is not the end of our story. All we have achieved is the psychological space and emotional clarity to start the real work. Revealing and integrating our shadow, releasing our repressed childhood trauma, facing our demons, and coming to terms with the intergenerational history which brought us here. These are the hidden realms within us that magnetise toward narcissists.

Doing the real work is hard. We need to face monstrously destabilising fear, come to terms with unbearable truths, and overcome oceans of shame. We need to undertake the hero’s journey into the core of our soul, crossing treacherous landscapes and undergoing a process of death and rebirth, before we emerge transformed and truly ready to live authentically and powerfully. I’ve described this process in detail in my second book, ‘How to Bury A Narcissist’.

Enormous danger and opportunity awaits us in our shadow, as does the key to knowing the true power of narcissists. Their fantasy world is a reflection of our shadow world. By turning the fantasy inside-out, we discover ourselves. And as long as we refuse to undertake the journey through this dark world, narcissists will remain all-powerful.

Their fate is entwined with ours.