A Dating Guide For Those With Complex Trauma

There comes a day when someone with C-PTSD looks back on the rubble of their dating life, and is washed over with frustration and regret. Blissful memories of paradise, moments filled with joy and love, missed opportunities, fatal mistakes, and monumental collapses; relationships for a person with complex trauma tend to have it all — with heartbreak and agony being the icing on top.

While reminiscing, you may wonder how your old relationship might play out if you live it all again with what you now know. If only you had the lay of the land, and understood what to expect before going in. If only you possessed a guide to dating as a person with Complex-PTSD.

People with complex trauma rarely select partners with foresight and care. They don’t take their time, slowly building intimacy and trust from a safe distance, gradually closing the distance towards commitment. No, people with C-PTSD dive in head first without hesitation, overcome with blissful intoxication.

The first months of the relationship are filled with ecstasy, 24/7 companionship and openness while being void of limits, frustration and pain. The person with C-PTSD believes they have finally found their soulmate. The one.

Yet the reality is far more sinister.

Here are some guidelines to consider when dating with complex trauma:

1. You are not attracted to each other, you are attracted to each other’s trauma.

Traumatised people have a knack for being magnetically drawn to each other. Not all traumatised people, mind you, but those whose core wounds resonate with the other.

Although trauma has predictable patterns, such as neglect, abandonment, abuse, shaming, humiliation and so on, everyone grows up with a unique recipe of these elements. Complex trauma leads to endless symptoms, such as ADHD, arrested development, angry outbursts, rigidity, immature thinking, insecure attachment and more. These ‘disadvantages’ make it difficult to form and maintain relationships with un-traumatised people, who are often confused by the traumatised person’s behaviour and way of seeing the world.

Yet life always finds a way. Evolution does not make exceptions. To help you on your road to healing, life pushes you towards people who understand your pain and share your worldview. Therefore, we can say that our worst relationships play an evolutionary purpose.

Furthermore, traumatised people tend to experience life in extremes; an overabundance of excitement can quickly switch to the heaviest of lows. ‘Normal’ people rarely trigger the traumatised person’s intensity, which can make that person seem boring.

Finally, traumatised people need to heal. This cannot happen unless your trauma is activated and made conscious. Chances are your subconscious mind knew exactly the right person who would pull you out of your distractions and addictions, while thrusting you head-first into your core wound.

Yet nobody in their right mind would agree to such a painful experience. To convince you to undertake this treacherous journey, life seduces you with fantasy and bliss.

2. It is not a perfect match — it is trauma-induced fantasy and projection.

Trauma is unbearable, and being with someone who can potentially activate and trigger that trauma will typically ensure the relationship ends before it has a chance to develop.

This is why people with complex trauma experience something akin to a drug-induced high during those heady first months. While the ‘honeymoon period’ is common for all budding loves, complex trauma injects it with uncanny wonder beyond all limits. Together you will explore the world, conquer all challenges, and create a life together that has never been lived. The audacity of this unhinged fantasy rarely crosses your mind. It all feels so real, so inevitable.

In the back of your mind, you might have doubts about your wild plans. But the dopamine and serotonin flooding your system quickly wash your concerns away. Enjoy this phase of the relationship, it is helping you to bond with your lover, to lay the foundation for the work ahead.

It is preparing you for hell.

3. Expect lurking predators from unexpected places, at unexpected moments.

Complex trauma lies at the core of all personality disorders. Cluster-B disorders such as psychopathy, narcissism, borderline and histrionic are incredibly common. Codependency, paranoia and dissociation come with the territory. You remain blissfully ignorant of this during the initial honeymoon months. Your lover has eyes only for you; their expression soft, warm and loving.

Yet beneath this glimmering ocean, predators lurk. Your lover might have a specific personality disorder, such as narcissism or borderline. They could be a full-blown psychopath. In most cases, they might simply be on the spectrum, having traits from certain personality disorders.